Cogitate -- Word for the Day -- Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cogitate

Definition: To think deeply or intently; to ponder; to meditate: To think about; to ponder on; to meditate upon; to plan or plot.

It is very hard for one to cogitate about another's feelings or ideas. Just when you think you have been with someone long enough something comes up that surprises you.

We have ALL known for some time that the journey for ChemoSabe would be endless. He knew it, I knew it and you ALL knew it.. I have shared with you my intermost doubts, concerns, hurts, fears, depression, joys and celebration throughout this process. Yet, little did I know how good news of a continued journey could effect ChemoSabe.

As you know, he has been off his chemo shots and steroids for three weeks...going on five because he doesn't start back until the 15th. In his heart he was hoping the doc would tell him there would be no more... The true realization hit him when she said, "2nd year maintenance to begin in March 2010 and you will be coming weekly for lower doses." Bless his heart... I did not know until he left town that it really burst his bubble... It has finally hit him that his treatments are a LIFE TIME deal or no deal.

We have to remind ourselves this journey is not like the flu... We will endlessly be alerting family, friends, acquiantance and such that he cannot kiss, hug, shake hands, or have much physical contact because of the immune system issues... It is lifetime. A few little doses of chemo and meds don't end the process. To me, that is the most discouraging and most realization of the matter.

So, even though we know the process, life still throws us curves if and when we cogitate long enough.

The good thing is the steroids will be one day a week and not four days straight. The Velcade will be a low dose every week and not a big dose every two weeks. Hopefully he will retain his energy and will not have the massive surges of energy and then the plummeting down of tiredness. In other words, I can forget my carpets being cleaned or things picked up around the house by him on those two weeks on! ha

It hurt me to hear his voice when he told me of his feelings... I wish there were some way I could wipe all this away with the twitch of my nose. The only thing I can do is keep his spirits up, because another year of maintenance doesn't mean we can't do what we have done all along. We are blessed he is able to continue on with work, hobbies and every day enjoyments. A lot of the folks with MM we have talked to in the last couple of months have filed disability, retired or just quit their lives altogether. If ChemoSabe did, I believe his faith, strength and attitude would falter greatly.

I just wanted to give you guys an update and to ask you to pray for his encouragement, continued good health, strength, stamina and faith. He is a good man.

Good afternoon and Love -- Pepper