Definition: 1 archaic : trust, reliance
2 a : desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment came in hopes of seeing you; also: expectation of fulfillment or success no hope of a cure b: someone or something on which hopes are centered
I have hoped all week for the words to write and the opportune time to write them. It has come. ChemoSabe has travelled a lot this week. That is good because I haven't been a good companion. I have cried much of the week and have been having my own "Pity Party". Haven't really shared the reason.
Last year, this week, was when we were faced with my mom being in hospice. We were told she had about two days. We prayed she wouldn't pass on my younger brother's birthday, which is the 18th. Today, also, is when his wife was diagnosed with brain and lung cancer. She had brain surgery a year ago today. He lost his best friend on Valentine's Day (mom) and lost his most precious friend of 36 years in May on her 52th birthday (Sharon).
We have grown. We have laughed. We have endured. Then this week came around. We have cried.
ChemoSabe got home around 8:00 p.m. from Mississippi. Just in time to watch Grey's Anatomy with me and The Mentalist. We spoke about his day and he told me he wanted to share a miracle with me.
He has a client that has a five year old grandson. This young boy has grand mal seizures and has for a couple of years. It has caused him difficulty in school with friends, grades, etc. One night last week when he went to bed he asked his mother when the angels were coming back. Obviously she was confused and asked him more questions. He told her the angels came and rubbed all over his head the night before and it felt very good.
Since that evening, he has had no more seizures and the doctors cannot explain why. Isn't that a fabulous miracle? A miracle of hope for a young child and his experience with angels. Suddenly, my Pity Party didn't seem so important.
ChemoSabe is asleep. I hear him lightly snoring. All week I have had to push myself to keep the hope I have in my heart. To be able to focus on our lives down the road. I have found myself stepping away from him and losing my closeness because I'm afraid something will happen suddenly that will bring his health down again. I am selfish. I don't want to be hurt like that again.
BUT --- isn't it he that would be hurt. To have built that hope up and some little bug or something makes it come crashing down. He gives me strength. Strength through watching him work, do the things he enjoys doing (except mowing and weedeating). He continues on like live hasn't changed. And, I keep looking back wanting things the way they use to be.
Guess I am going to have to make a date with him to take me dancing. That is a way for us to get close... Whenever we were bored, had a spat, or just needed to rejuvenate, we would go out to dance.. We are the best on the floor... Yep -- that will be my hope. That we can find a safe decent place to do that.
We are on the two weeks off and will be back on the steroids and Velcade shots week after next.
Please pray for my brothers and me this week that we get over this sad hump. Everyone goes through it with a lost loved one, but we never have. If I could just touch her hand one more time.
When ChemoSabe came to bed he said, "You know, Millie watched over me today." That is what he called my mom. I have our two computer's screensavers set up with photos I have taken... There are loads. So when either computer is idle it takes you through our albums. He said when he sat down at his desk in our spare room this morning, there she sat waiting for him. He knew then she would be with him all day.
Good night and Love -- Pepper Keep your hopes up.
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