Consummate
DEFINITION: (verb) to complete, finish, or perfect.
I am home today after running some errands with my older brother, Gord. The ashes were released to us so we took them and placed them between my grandmother and grandfather this morning. We prayed afterward. In a sense, it was the funeral service for us. We had a memorial service yesterday, 11:00 a.m., Monday - Markham Street Baptist Church.
She would have been so pleased with the attendance and the services. She would have been pleased to see how well her children braved the sadness for the day. The family and friends helped to get us to the end. Stayed with us every minute and throughout the evening.
I could not have made it without ChemoSabe and Gord. They were my rocks when they, too, were struggling to get through and be strong for the others. We have laughed together, cried together and shared 'hellos' throughout the house when we were coming and going the last week. ChemoSabe would be leaving for a long trip, Gord had left to replace me at the hospital and me coming in just long enough to peck ChemoSabe and head for the bed. I didn't regret a minute of it.
Things have been running purely on adrenalin. As soon as I would lay my head on the pillow I was thinking I needed to get up and shower and head back. I couldn't get enough of being with her. I wasn't frantic, but I didn't want to lose a minute.
I wanted to be there until the end, but I didn't want to see the signs of death. The ones explaining the last phases. Gasping for breath, choking and shaking. So, I didn't want to see the suffering? How could I think such!?!?!?!?!?!? She suffered for me. She would have wanted to be with me until the end.
Gord watched her all night Friday. Worn out physically, but I think the emotionally was the most damaging. Her breath was so shallow. She rested so well in the night, he informed me. She was still.
I took my saddlebag to do my bills I had been working on in her room all week. After I sat everything up the cleaning ladies came in. They asked about her, as they had each day. I offered them one of her Valentine's chocolates. She loved to share her candy. We had shared them the last two days.
Each time I wrote a check I would glance over at her. I sat about two feet from her right side. I would bend over and rub her arm. Just to feel her skin. The room would get real hot and real cool. We never could get the thermostat set right. I was up and down moving the knob. Each time checking her left side and rubbing her forehead. So still and relaxed. Like a baby. Pink faced with the inward warmth of her body.
"Is your neck hot?", I asked her. I raise her head and felt the back of her neck. She had been having 'hot flash' like symptoms the last few days. Smelled like little baby sweat (stinky feet smell). I laughed and told her I was going to have to name her "Stinky feet".
Her neck was not rigid. The days before we could not get her head off the pillow because she was so stiff in her neck. She had relaxed considerably the last two days. Gord and I both discussed how tired her frail body must be. Breathing so deeply.
Okay, back to my bills. I kept finding excuses to not do them. Did a few more checks... 9:45 a.m. Nurse comes in for vitals. 110/54, 98 oxy., 84 pulse, 98 temp. We both smiled and talk about how she is determined. I offered her a chocolate. She shook her head slowly. I explained to her as I did the others, if she didn't she would hurt my mom's feelings. After all, they told us she could hear her surroundings and know what we were saying. AND, they were Belgian chocolates. She giggled and took one. All the nurses did the same. They were so wonderful, compassionate and caring, even to us.
I gathered up all my trash, my record book and packed everything into my saddlebag along with my calculator and purse. Moved the bag to the outer side of the bed, toward the door. I looked around as if she summoned me. I didn't hear anything I just had a sense she wanted me to look at her.
I turned and her lids seemed slitted open a bit. Was she looking at me? Her lids were not quivering as if to be trying to open her eyes. They were smooth and relaxed. Her whole face was relaxed and not moving. I walked over and said, "Do you need something?" I watched for a long deep breath to end. They had gotten so long lately we would watch and watch, then sigh with relief when the heave returned.
Without seeing a breath, I looked at her throat. Soft slow beats. I opened my cell phone to call Gord. I wondered why I was doing that if this may be a false alarm. I hung up. I pushed the nurses' button. I watched her neck. Slow, soft, slow, soft, slow, slow, soft, whisper, stop. I looked out the hall and saw our nurse. I yelled, "Lisa, I think it's time."
She trotted down the hall with out seeming she was in horror, but with a determination to get there cautiously and expediently. She checked mom as I rubbed her head and her fore arm. Yes, "It is time." Lisa had a tear in her eye. I called Gord. He had only been home long enough to shower and change. He had no desire to rest. He felt the need to get back. He was driving out the driveway when he answered my call. ChemoSabe and Son were on their way. 10:10 a.m.
Hospice came to advise us what to expect the next few hours. I offered her chocolate. She took it gladly. One of the head doctor's came to do the official notification. I offered her a chocolate. After much badgering from the hospice nurse, she took it and ate it there with us. We all laughed.
What a life my mother had and what a death. Came in like lions and left as peaceful as the breath of angels and she wasn't alone. She had people around her that had enjoyed her. People she didn't know and they were never able to communicate with her, but they grew to know her by taking care of her.
Thank you all -- family, friends, church friends and especially my boss, the preacher. We could not have made it without calls, help at the house and help getting us out of the house. You all have made it a joyful abundance of memories. Happy Valentine's Day -- The celebration of her life!!!!!
Good afternoon and Love, Pepper (Momma as called to me by my mom)
Chemo Sabe
- ChemoSabe
- Benton, AR, United States
- Diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma-- May 2008
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Mutable -- Word for the Day -- Wednesday, February 12, 2009
MUTABLE
DEFINITION: (adjective) likely to change.
Saddening news from Pepper today. Mom fell on Saturday evening and broke her hip. She tripped across a bed lever from her new roommate's bed as she was walking to the restroom. Her surgery on Sunday morning went without a glitch. She came through just fine. She has not come out of the sedative stage. It is believed she had a stroke sometime Sunday evening or aspirated on vomit. I did not stay with her on Saturday evening as they promised to have someone watch for her. I also did not stay on Sunday night because she would be out then. I have been beating myself up.
Tuesday morning the doctors told us at 8:30 we had an hour before she would be gone. Then in the evening they told us she would not make it through the night. Hospice was called in. Well, she again, same as in October, has surprised us with her will to fight.
Her vital signs are tremendously well. Her urine output has increased. Her breathing has stablized, but she is still unconscious. She can understand what we are saying. She had her eyes opened all day yesterday and they were clear. Unlike Monday and Tuesday when they were clouded, gazed and unresponsive.
I really had my hopes up yesterday when her breathing wasn't so labored. Her hip is healing well, but her complete right side is limp and she has a twitch in the right side of her face.
I had hoped she would pull out of it like before. We were having such a great time with our relationship. We were communicating better and she didn't seem as agitated. She was excited about her birthday party that was to be last Sunday. I was experiencing a part of my mother that I had never before. We were hugging, touching, laughing and just having a good time. She called me 'momma'.
On Tuesday also, my sister-in-law took a turn for the worse. She was rushed by ambulance to UAMS and her kidneys are failing. She was severly dehydrated. They are pumping her full of fluids to reverse the cycle. My brother is in complete denial of her illness and mom's. Remember, he is a wheel chair victim.
I won't linger any longer. I just wanted to keep you updated. I really don't believe mom will make it through the weekend.
Please pray for my family and me. Especially my little brother, Mike.
Good afternoon and love -- Pepper (I am so sad)
DEFINITION: (adjective) likely to change.
Saddening news from Pepper today. Mom fell on Saturday evening and broke her hip. She tripped across a bed lever from her new roommate's bed as she was walking to the restroom. Her surgery on Sunday morning went without a glitch. She came through just fine. She has not come out of the sedative stage. It is believed she had a stroke sometime Sunday evening or aspirated on vomit. I did not stay with her on Saturday evening as they promised to have someone watch for her. I also did not stay on Sunday night because she would be out then. I have been beating myself up.
Tuesday morning the doctors told us at 8:30 we had an hour before she would be gone. Then in the evening they told us she would not make it through the night. Hospice was called in. Well, she again, same as in October, has surprised us with her will to fight.
Her vital signs are tremendously well. Her urine output has increased. Her breathing has stablized, but she is still unconscious. She can understand what we are saying. She had her eyes opened all day yesterday and they were clear. Unlike Monday and Tuesday when they were clouded, gazed and unresponsive.
I really had my hopes up yesterday when her breathing wasn't so labored. Her hip is healing well, but her complete right side is limp and she has a twitch in the right side of her face.
I had hoped she would pull out of it like before. We were having such a great time with our relationship. We were communicating better and she didn't seem as agitated. She was excited about her birthday party that was to be last Sunday. I was experiencing a part of my mother that I had never before. We were hugging, touching, laughing and just having a good time. She called me 'momma'.
On Tuesday also, my sister-in-law took a turn for the worse. She was rushed by ambulance to UAMS and her kidneys are failing. She was severly dehydrated. They are pumping her full of fluids to reverse the cycle. My brother is in complete denial of her illness and mom's. Remember, he is a wheel chair victim.
I won't linger any longer. I just wanted to keep you updated. I really don't believe mom will make it through the weekend.
Please pray for my family and me. Especially my little brother, Mike.
Good afternoon and love -- Pepper (I am so sad)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Obtrusive - Word for the Day -- Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Obtrusive
DEFINITION: (adjective) overly prominent.
Okay, Okay... I know... You haven't heard from us in a while. Work for both of us has been obtrusive the last few weeks. I do have some good news for you.
Last Tuesday, 01/27, the port was pulled and we had a doctor's appt. Everything looks great. ChemoSabe did not go neutrapenic once. A surprise for us and the doctors. Our next round of chemo is in six weeks. We go through the same process.
Labs for now will be twice a week for two weeks, once a week for two weeks, then once every two weeks. That will bring us up to the six week deadline. Meds were cut down to four a day. No more Thalidomide (formaldehyde) or steroids.
A MRI is being scheduled and also a bone biopsy. The doctor wants to make certain there is nothing going on with the lesions. She is happy they are not growing, BUT, she is concerned that they are not decreasing in size or disappearing.
ChemoSabe has not missed a lick. He did have a blistered face from what we thought was the Velcade shots (chemo), but we were advised by the transplant nurse it was from the antibiotic drip he had. That makes two antibiotics we know of now that he is highly allergic to. Also, it can cause a condition called "Red Man". Blisters the whole body because it is usually infused too quickly.
So, we are happy with this report. It was worth it.
Mom is doing better, too. She is like talking to a four year old, but I can understand what she wants and/or needs 90% of the time. We are getting along better and she seems to be settling in. I let her call me now on my cell and she goes to the desk and can remember my number most of the time. I believe that gives her more freedom. I took her out on Friday (my day off) and away we went to Wal-Mart. We got her two pairs of casual shoes, lipstick and a compact. She was delighted, but informed me she needed to get a job so she could repay me... I almost cried. The next day she didn't remember one pair of the shoes.
Wednesday is her 80th birthday and I am planning a little cake and ice cream eating at the house. I am hoping we have a good turn out, because I feel it will show her she still has people in her life besides me. Although I have tried to limit my visits to every day or every other day instead of the two to three times a day, she is still dependent on me.
I have a parent/teacher meeting, per se, with the nursing home today for a three month evaluation. Doesn't seem possible.
You will remember I do believe God has a sense of humor. Well, I certainly feel he had a plan for my mother's condition. He knew she would not go anywhere else to live or to a nursing home if anything should ever happen. He is in control and he knew this deal with my sister-in-law would take a massive toll on my brother and he would not be able to spend special time with mom. Remember, he is wheelchair confined. Sooooooo, here came mom's stroke. Then here came my sister-in-law's illness a few days later. My mother has exceptional care and my brother is able to take care of his wife without the major responsibility of my mom.
God is good.
We rode with Rainman and Stretch on Saturday. We were only gone for about five hours. Up through the Ozark Mountains we went. It was a beautiful day. We were already talking about our next trip before we even got off the bikes.
One of the volunteers here for me left me a note a few weeks back that she put a treat in the frig for me. I rushed back expecting pie or cake. It was a six pack of Slim Fast. (WHAT THA?) She could not use it anymore, per her doctor. I tried it and I have been using it religiously. One for breakfast, one for lunch and then a good dinner. Now instead of waking up early and THINKING about putting on sweats and tennis shoes to go out into the hood, I am exercising every morning on the ab lounger I have had in the bed room for a year. I believe I am gonna be ready for those tight jeans and tank tops before our summer rides!
I can't tell you how thankful I am that ChemoSabe has done so well. I can't believe a year is almost gone and we have been through so much. AND, you have been right there with us. Haven't YOU learned so much? (test time... be looking for it)
His skin is so thin, but soft and perfect. We sat down to eat last night and blood started pouring out of the top of his hand. He had a gash. We have no idea how it happened or what happened. We rushed to the bathroom and soaked it with peroxide and put a band aid on it. We have four boxes handy. Different colors for whatever he wears! HA
Oh... we were watching television Sunday, 01/25, and he was bragging about not shaving for the last three to four days... I asked him if he had pulled his hair lately.. He had gotten a haircut on Saturday.. Well, he pulled a cotton ball size and it all came out... Tuesday we went bald again and laughed.. I did a mohawk first. It was certainly not as obtrusive as the first time. HA
Good afternoon and Love, Pepper.
DEFINITION: (adjective) overly prominent.
Okay, Okay... I know... You haven't heard from us in a while. Work for both of us has been obtrusive the last few weeks. I do have some good news for you.
Last Tuesday, 01/27, the port was pulled and we had a doctor's appt. Everything looks great. ChemoSabe did not go neutrapenic once. A surprise for us and the doctors. Our next round of chemo is in six weeks. We go through the same process.
Labs for now will be twice a week for two weeks, once a week for two weeks, then once every two weeks. That will bring us up to the six week deadline. Meds were cut down to four a day. No more Thalidomide (formaldehyde) or steroids.
A MRI is being scheduled and also a bone biopsy. The doctor wants to make certain there is nothing going on with the lesions. She is happy they are not growing, BUT, she is concerned that they are not decreasing in size or disappearing.
ChemoSabe has not missed a lick. He did have a blistered face from what we thought was the Velcade shots (chemo), but we were advised by the transplant nurse it was from the antibiotic drip he had. That makes two antibiotics we know of now that he is highly allergic to. Also, it can cause a condition called "Red Man". Blisters the whole body because it is usually infused too quickly.
So, we are happy with this report. It was worth it.
Mom is doing better, too. She is like talking to a four year old, but I can understand what she wants and/or needs 90% of the time. We are getting along better and she seems to be settling in. I let her call me now on my cell and she goes to the desk and can remember my number most of the time. I believe that gives her more freedom. I took her out on Friday (my day off) and away we went to Wal-Mart. We got her two pairs of casual shoes, lipstick and a compact. She was delighted, but informed me she needed to get a job so she could repay me... I almost cried. The next day she didn't remember one pair of the shoes.
Wednesday is her 80th birthday and I am planning a little cake and ice cream eating at the house. I am hoping we have a good turn out, because I feel it will show her she still has people in her life besides me. Although I have tried to limit my visits to every day or every other day instead of the two to three times a day, she is still dependent on me.
I have a parent/teacher meeting, per se, with the nursing home today for a three month evaluation. Doesn't seem possible.
You will remember I do believe God has a sense of humor. Well, I certainly feel he had a plan for my mother's condition. He knew she would not go anywhere else to live or to a nursing home if anything should ever happen. He is in control and he knew this deal with my sister-in-law would take a massive toll on my brother and he would not be able to spend special time with mom. Remember, he is wheelchair confined. Sooooooo, here came mom's stroke. Then here came my sister-in-law's illness a few days later. My mother has exceptional care and my brother is able to take care of his wife without the major responsibility of my mom.
God is good.
We rode with Rainman and Stretch on Saturday. We were only gone for about five hours. Up through the Ozark Mountains we went. It was a beautiful day. We were already talking about our next trip before we even got off the bikes.
One of the volunteers here for me left me a note a few weeks back that she put a treat in the frig for me. I rushed back expecting pie or cake. It was a six pack of Slim Fast. (WHAT THA?) She could not use it anymore, per her doctor. I tried it and I have been using it religiously. One for breakfast, one for lunch and then a good dinner. Now instead of waking up early and THINKING about putting on sweats and tennis shoes to go out into the hood, I am exercising every morning on the ab lounger I have had in the bed room for a year. I believe I am gonna be ready for those tight jeans and tank tops before our summer rides!
I can't tell you how thankful I am that ChemoSabe has done so well. I can't believe a year is almost gone and we have been through so much. AND, you have been right there with us. Haven't YOU learned so much? (test time... be looking for it)
His skin is so thin, but soft and perfect. We sat down to eat last night and blood started pouring out of the top of his hand. He had a gash. We have no idea how it happened or what happened. We rushed to the bathroom and soaked it with peroxide and put a band aid on it. We have four boxes handy. Different colors for whatever he wears! HA
Oh... we were watching television Sunday, 01/25, and he was bragging about not shaving for the last three to four days... I asked him if he had pulled his hair lately.. He had gotten a haircut on Saturday.. Well, he pulled a cotton ball size and it all came out... Tuesday we went bald again and laughed.. I did a mohawk first. It was certainly not as obtrusive as the first time. HA
Good afternoon and Love, Pepper.
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